Lovers' Dance

      The leaf lets go of the tree.  Its journey of descent begins high above the earth.  It waltzes to the left, then to the right, lost in its own dance.  Continuing its downward trek, the waltz of left and right become closer together.  The dance becomes suspended and motionless as waltzing gives way to spiraling.  Breathlessly beautiful as it spirals down to meet the ground; it's destiny.  The journey is now over; never to be again.   

Struggles

It has been awhile since I posted, so I decided to post one of my reflection papers from my Religion and Philosophy class.  So many times we have obstacles to overcome and it is easy to get discouraged.  I just want to remember God's promises of good that will come "up and out" of the the bad.  I feel at times I squeeze through by the skin of my teeth, then look back and see God had me in His mighty hands all along, and I really had nothing to worry about.  This teaches me that my only job is to walk.  God has already done His part.  The war is already won!      

Judaism

           

Judaism holds a special place in my heart.  There were so many things that spoke to me on a personal level.  Two of those things were the repeating theme of struggles and the idea of standing up to God.  It was mystifying and humbling to see God’s approval and blessings that He bestowed on Jacob, Moses, and David despite their dishonesty and frailties.  It opened my eyes to the bigger picture; the bigger plan of God.  It was not only about blessing each man and giving them what they wanted, but about blessing a nation, Israel.  Purpose emerged from those struggles, both God’s and mans. 

Standing up to God was a new concept for me.  I was wondering why God would want us to stand up to Him.  I was taught “to be still and know God.”  Maybe being still does not always mean quiet.  I believe there are painful struggles we go through that call us to stand up to God.  It made me think of the times in my life I have wanted to stand up to God, but did not because I either felt I did not have the right to question Him or I was so angry and hurt that I turned my back on Him.  I realized this revealed weakness, cowardice, and a lack of confidence and worth that I had in myself.  So I came to the conclusion, that to stand up to God is more for us than Him.  It is not about right or wrong.  It is to show us just what we are made of.  It takes a confident, strong-willed, courageous person to stand up to God and question Him, even if they are standing on shaky knees and prepared to dodge the lightning bolt when they do.  I believe it is a way to know who God is and cultivate a personal, deeper, and more intimate relationship with Him; one that heals and offers refuge, and strength and confidence in ourselves to stand up against the struggle.  I believe that is why God said David was a man after His own heart.  It was not only because David had a contrite spirit, but because he was willing to be vulnerable before God.  He had a real intimate relationship with Him.  It is humbling to see that God loves and cares about us so much as to give us what we have not earned nor deserve.   

Struggles come in many ways.  Some are painful, stressful, difficult, or just an inconvenience.  Sometimes they force us to stretch beyond our limit. Sometimes they are long and drawn out and affect so many areas of our lives.  I have recently changed my mind on how I think of struggles.  I used to try and avoid them at all cost; dread and grieve them before they were even in sight, but I have found it is through our struggles that our purpose, God’s purpose for us, is revealed.  It brings to mind my personal struggles and hardships that occurred in my childhood that conditioned me for my struggles and hardships in adulthood.  I recently asked God, “Did I go through all of this in vain?  Why did all of this happen?  What was the purpose?”  It was at that moment God revealed to me that going through those painful struggles would become my passion, my purpose.  Finding my purpose has enabled me to let go of the “victim” inside of me.  I no longer feel helplessly trapped in a situation that I cannot get out of.  I have something that I can hang on to.  It is more than an accomplishment.  It is my purpose!

It just goes to prove that to stand up to God is to know our worth.  For we are who He says we are.  Our struggles are not haphazardly place in front of us.  It is to reveal our purpose, His purpose for us.  Jacob became a Nation, Moses became a patriarch, David became a King, and I will become…..well my story is just beginning.         

I am your world

I am one of your two worlds. I am the least of the two worlds. I am not the chosen world. I am the world that cannot reach for you. I am the world that cannot complain. I am the world that cannot cry. I am the world that has to ache. I am the world that has to go on. I am the world that is alone. I am the world that has to find a way. I am the world that has so much to give. I am the world that has unending love. I am the world that surrenders. 

In my shoes

        Blinking my eyes and rolling over to turn off the alarm, I realize another day has dawned.  I lay there listening to the sounds of the world outside the window and start going through the my to-do list; workout, pack lunches, make sure homework and permission slips are signed, find shoes, etc.  Moments later there are hugs, kisses, and goodbyes exchanged and the kids are off to school. 

       

It is now time to wake him up. Although I am enjoying the peaceful moment, I can’t let him sleep too long or it will not be a good day.  On goes the TV.  On goes the computer.  That ought to help ease him awake.  I guess it is working, so far so good.  I am not allowed to brief him on the events of the day; he has not had his breakfast and coffee yet.  He needs that time to wake up and enjoy the peace and quiet, he is however the only one with a job.   Now he is off to work, and I, well I am off to do whatever it is a freeloader does in her day.

Looking at the time, I cannot believe how fast today went.  There were so many things I did not get done.  I am so slow.  Hopefully the rain will hold off tomorrow and I can cut the grass first thing in the morning.  There is no time and now I will have to wait till Saturday to trim the hedges; maybe I can find time after the soccer game.  That means cleaning out the garage and making a trip to the Goodwill drop-off will have to wait another week.  I hope I won’t have to cancel my coffee date with my friend.  It is so good to be reminded of who I am, only if for an hour it would be worth it.  I haven’t seen her in a while. 

I’m so glad the kids and I are home and practice is done.  I’m so lazy.  This house is a wreck and it is time to start dinner and get everyone busy with their homework.   I will have to get up earlier tomorrow.  Oh, well I deserve it.  I should not have taken so long at the grocery store.  I feel bad for spending his money.  He will be so upset that I spent my allowance.  I will have to make things stretch this month.  I will have to cut back on my driving.  Gas is so expensive.  I hope he is in a good mood when he comes home.  I want to sleep tonight. 

Homework is done.  Food is put away.  Dishes are done.  Goodnights have been said.  I did not do anything today.  I should do some ironing.  It is starting to pile up and I am getting tired of walking around the ironing board.  I know he will need his work pants tomorrow anyway. 

I hear the truck pull in the driveway.  I get his plate ready to warm up his dinner.  I have to let him unwind before I can brief him on the events of the day.  He decides to watch a little TV and check his email while eating his dinner in the bedroom.  I’ll just wait and do it in the morning.  He must have had a rough day.  Besides I probably look terrible.  After he mentioned that beautiful woman that came in the store today, I realize that I should have dressed up today.  It is my fault.  I really should dress better. 

Finished ironing his pants, finished putting the last of the dishes in the dishwasher, check all the doors, check on the kids.  I’m so glad it is time for bed.  Maybe I can do some reading till I fall asleep.  He will be on the computer for a couple more hours.

Huh?  What time is it?  I’m confused.  Why is he yelling at me?  Why can’t I breathe?  Oh!  That!  I’m getting tired of resisting.  I have no more strength.  I cannot fight anymore.  He is right, I should submit to him.  I deserve it.   I’m lazy, slow, I look and act like an old woman, I’m stupid, worthless, just a free loader.  He wants my car keys so he can sell my car.  That is to be my punishment.  Like he said, he is the one paying for it.  I’m so ashamed.   He does a lot for this family and he is right; I could never find anyone else to love me.  No one would even want me.  I hope he does not wake up the kids.  Besides while laughing at me, he threw some money on the nightstand.  Now I won’t have to work so hard to make things stretch.   I can’t look at him.  He is a monster.   I will feel better in the morning……..

To whom it may concern,

Some of you may be shocked to know this is my story.  Well, an extremely condensed, G-rated version of my story.  It is hard to fit 21 years of violence and abuse in a few paragraphs.  I am part of the statistics.  I had remained silent, mostly because I was both emotionally shut down and in denial of the habitual abuse.  It was too painful to utter the words to anyone.  Where would I start?  And once I acknowledged it out loud, I could not take it back.  I was not able to leave.  It is never that simple.  He made sure of that.   

I was also so ashamed.  I felt it was my fault.  I was not good enough.  I should strive to be a better person.   Sick huh?  Well that is how a battered woman feels; so helpless, so worthless, and so powerless.  Survival mode is all she knows and all she has to hang on to, it is her friend.

         

It is really mocking how such horrid things can be going on in someone’s life and no one notice.  It amazes me how “easy” it was for me to hide it.  My hiding place was church.  Kind of ironic isn’t it?  Who is he (my abuser) to stop me from doing the Lord’s work?  I guess he had some of God in him, although what those at church saw were nothing but a front.  He made sure of that too.  Who would believe me if I did tell? 

So why tell now?  Because it is plaguing me.  I feel if I don’t, I will be destroyed from the inside out.  You see everything that I did not allow myself to feel is starting to surface.  I get it now.  That is why they call it Post Traumatic Stress Disorder rather than Acute Stress.  It happens after the traumatic events, when survival mode can be put to rest and is no longer needed.  It’s kind of cruel if you ask me.  Surviving is all I knew.  It was my normal.  And because of this, I do not have a reset button.  I have no point of reference to go back to.  Nope, it is all uncharted waters from here on out.  Not to mention the weight of my kids depending on me to get it right. 

I am not feeling sorry for myself, nor do I want your pity.  It occurred to me the other day, that when it comes to sacrifices we should not keep a record of the losses, but a count of what is gained.  For that is the goal.  By telling my story I hope to gain healing and peace.  For it is no longer inside of me threatening to destroy me.   

I realize this is dark and for that reason I hesitate to even post or blog about it, but I also realize that no matter how ashamed or scared I feel, it is indeed my reality, my truth, and my story and I possess the courage to tell it.  

I had a dream

Today……

I had a dream this morning. 

It was terrible. 

I woke up in a panicked sweat; moaning. 

It was the first time I spoke of it.  No one would listen to me.  She told me she didn’t believe me.  She only believed him.  My worst fears were coming true.  I cried uncontrollably. 

I should have remained silent. 

I was powerless. 

I was nothing. 

I should have remained silent.

A few days ago……

          I had a dream.

          It was terrible.

          I woke up with chest pains, rapid heartbeat, shaking, sweating; panic.

          I screamed at him to leave.  I told him he did not belong here. 

          He was coming for me.  He was not going to leave.

          My worst fears were coming true.  I could only scream NO!  Help would not come, because help would not know to come.  I was alone.

          I should have fought back.

          I was powerless.

          I was nothing.

          I should have fought back.

A few weeks ago……

          I had a dream.

          It was terrible.

          I woke up scared, sweating; crying.

          I saw him hovering over me.  I did not understand why.

          I realized he hated me.  He wanted to destroy me.

          My worst fears were coming true.  He finally figured out a way to do it and now he was here to end my life.

          I should have told someone; anyone.

          I was powerless.

          I was nothing.

          I should have told someone; anyone.

Miss Takes

 Written January 2011

     I was thinking about mistakes. The miss takes in life. We apologize for them, feel guilty for them, but all is not lost. With God they have the potential to make us stronger. To teach us lessons. There is good that can come from them. Isn’t that what God promises to do? To bring good to those who love Him and are called by Him? I understand that a little more clearly. I have made many mistakes in my time. I feel humiliated at the thought of some that I have made with my children, especially those that caused pain. I cannot take them back and that fact causes me grief.

     It is awesome how God gives us dignity through our mistakes. A God that can use something like a mistake to make us stronger, stand a little taller, but leaves enough of the scar for us to remain humble and to remember. We have a part to play, a responsibility to learn and grow from our mistakes, otherwise it will all be in vain. No one will benefit. The first step is to acknowledge our mistakes and make them right between whomever they were against. The Bible says we are to leave our gifts on the alter, go to the one who has wronged us or we have wronged, and then come back. All will be right before God and man. So whether the mistake was made by you, or against you, God promises to bring good to those who love Him.

     
     It is my belief that mistakes or miss takes are not only necessary, but they should also be valued and embraced. They should be viewed as instruments by which God uses to teach us. God knows that in our humanness we are going to make mistakes. After all, we can only be who He created us to be-human.

     Without mistakes we would never know such things as humility or forgiveness, not to mention His wisdom, love, or understanding. For it is from this fruit we learn the lessons of growing together and finding true intimacy with Him and one another. 

Pain and shame, who am I without you?

Written November 21, 2010

     I wear them like a cloak.  I carry these burdens wherever I go.  They are so heavy, and I try to hide them from any on looker.  Why?  Why do I feel the need to do this?  Did it occur to me that there is a better way?  Not necessary the opposite, but a better way.  I have let pain and shame become my identity.  I know no other way to be.  As sad as it sounds, it is frightening to be anyone different.  What is it going to take to change the baggage that weighs me down, holds me back, destroying who I should be?  What will be required of me?  Will it bring catastrophic changes, changes that I cannot bear?

Who would I be without you?  Would I be free to live how I felt was right?  Would I achieve my goals, my dreams?  Would I find happiness in myself?  Will it be worth the journey?  I don’t know how to feel without you guiding my every decision, belief, and truth.  I will have to search and sort things out to find a better way.  That scares me.  What if I make a mistake that not only hurts me but those depending on me?  What then? 

Who can I put in your place?  I have no other experiences to go by.  Is it just a matter of changing the way I think and behave?  Or is it deeper than that?  

The first decision that I will make without you being my guide will be to live today, just today, being conscious of your presence, knowing how to identify you.  With practice, I will recognize you, feel you, and hear your voices.  I will totally be aware of you.  Then, I will make my next decision, whatever that will be, and however long it takes, I will find a better way.