Written November 21, 2010
I wear them like a cloak. I carry these burdens wherever I go. They are so heavy, and I try to hide them from any on looker. Why? Why do I feel the need to do this? Did it occur to me that there is a better way? Not necessary the opposite, but a better way. I have let pain and shame become my identity. I know no other way to be. As sad as it sounds, it is frightening to be anyone different. What is it going to take to change the baggage that weighs me down, holds me back, destroying who I should be? What will be required of me? Will it bring catastrophic changes, changes that I cannot bear?
Who would I be without
you? Would I be free to live how I felt
was right? Would I achieve my goals, my
dreams? Would I find happiness in
myself? Will it be worth the
journey? I don’t know how to feel
without you guiding my every decision, belief, and truth. I will have to search and sort things out to
find a better way. That scares me. What if I make a mistake that not only hurts
me but those depending on me? What
then?
Who can I put in your
place? I have no other experiences to go
by. Is it just a matter of changing the
way I think and behave? Or is it deeper
than that?
The first decision that I
will make without you being my guide will be to live today, just today, being
conscious of your presence, knowing how to identify you. With practice, I will recognize you, feel
you, and hear your voices. I will
totally be aware of you. Then, I will
make my next decision, whatever that will be, and however long it takes, I will
find a better way.
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